Picture this: Your teenager comes home from school, slams their bedroom door, and when you ask what's wrong, they explode about how "unfair" everything is. Your first instinct might be to say, "You're overreacting" or "It's not that bad." But what if there was a different way to respond, one that could actually strengthen your relationship and help them feel better?
That's where validation comes in. It's one of the most powerful tools we have for supporting the people we love, yet it's often misunderstood or overlooked entirely.
What Validation Actually Means
Validation isn't about agreeing with everything someone says or does. It's about acknowledging that their feelings make sense, given their experience. When we validate someone, we're essentially saying, "I can see why you'd feel that way" or "Your emotions are understandable."
Think of it as emotional recognition. You're not fixing, minimising, or judging, you're simply witnessing and acknowledging what someone is going through. It's like holding up a mirror to their emotional experience and saying, "Yes, I see you."
This doesn't mean you have to fix their problems or even agree with their perspective. You're just recognising that their feelings are real and valid, which is something we all desperately need.
Why Validation Changes Everything
When someone feels truly heard and understood, something magical happens in their nervous system. The fight-or-flight response begins to calm down. Their emotional temperature drops. They feel less alone and more capable of handling whatever they're facing.
For children and teens especially, validation is like emotional oxygen. Without it, they might escalate their behaviour to be heard, withdraw completely, or start believing there's something wrong with how they feel. With it, they learn that their emotions are manageable and that they're worthy of understanding.
In adult relationships, validation builds trust and intimacy. When your partner feels genuinely seen by you, they're more likely to open up, less likely to become defensive, and more willing to work through problems together.
The Difference Between Validating and Invalidating
Let's look at some real-life examples to see how this plays out:
Scenario 1: Your child is upset about not being invited to a party
Invalidating response: "It's not a big deal. You probably wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway."
Validating response: "That really stings. I can see how left out and hurt you're feeling right now."
Scenario 2: Your partner is stressed about work
Invalidating response: "At least you have a job. Stop complaining."
Validating response: "Work's been really overwhelming for you lately. That sounds incredibly stressful."
Scenario 3: Your friend is anxious about a social situation
Invalidating response: "Just don't think about it so much."
Validating response: "Social anxiety is tough. It makes perfect sense that you'd feel nervous about this."
Notice how the validating responses don't try to fix or minimise the problem. They simply acknowledge the emotional reality of what the person is experiencing.
Practical Tips for Better Validation
Listen First, React Second
When someone's sharing something difficult with you, resist the urge to immediately problem-solve or offer advice. Take a breath and really listen to what they're saying: and what they're feeling.
Use Feeling Words
Help people identify and name their emotions. "It sounds like you're feeling disappointed" or "I imagine that was really frightening" shows you're tuned into their emotional experience.
Avoid the Word "But"
The moment you say "but," you've cancelled out everything that came before it. Instead of "I understand you're upset, but you need to calm down," try "I understand you're upset. Tell me more about what happened."
Check Your Understanding
Ask clarifying questions to make sure you're really getting it. "So if I'm hearing you right, you're feeling…" or "Help me understand what this means to you."
Validate the Emotion, Not Necessarily the Behaviour
You can acknowledge someone's feelings while still addressing problematic behaviour later. "I can see you're really angry about this. Let's talk about better ways to express that anger."
Common Validation Mistakes to Avoid
Even with the best intentions, we can accidentally invalidate others. Here are some responses that might seem helpful but actually shut down emotional expression:
- "Everything happens for a reason"
- "At least…"
- "You're being too sensitive"
- "Just think positive"
- "Other people have it worse"
- "You'll get over it"
These responses, while often well-meaning, can make people feel like their emotions are wrong or unwelcome.
Teaching Kids to Validate Others
One of the greatest gifts we can give children is the ability to validate others. When kids learn these skills early, they develop better friendships, stronger family relationships, and more emotional intelligence overall.
You can model validation by narrating what you see: "I notice your sister looks really sad about her broken toy. I wonder if she's feeling disappointed." This helps kids learn to notice and acknowledge others' emotions.
Self-Validation Matters Too
Don't forget to validate yourself. Many of us are our own harshest critics, dismissing our own feelings or telling ourselves we "shouldn't" feel certain ways. Practice speaking to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend.
When Validation Isn't Enough
While validation is incredibly powerful, it's not a cure-all. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to listen and acknowledge, the people we love continue to struggle. This might be a sign that professional support could be helpful.
If you're noticing persistent patterns of emotional distress, relationship conflicts that don't improve despite better communication, or situations where validation seems to make things worse rather than better, it might be time to reach out for additional support.
Building Stronger Relationships Through Understanding
Validation doesn't mean you become a pushover or that you can't set boundaries. In fact, when people feel genuinely heard and understood, they're often more willing to listen to your perspective too. It creates a foundation of mutual respect that makes difficult conversations much easier.
The beautiful thing about validation is that it costs nothing to give, yet its impact can be profound. A few words of genuine understanding can turn someone's entire day around, strengthen your relationship with them, and help them feel less alone in whatever they're facing.
Remember, you don't need to be perfect at this. Like any skill, validation gets easier with practice. Start small: maybe with one validating response each day: and notice how it changes the energy in your relationships.
If you're finding that relationship or communication challenges persist despite your efforts, or if you'd like to develop these skills further, the team at Psychology NSW is here to help. Sometimes having professional guidance can make all the difference in learning how to support the people we love most effectively.
The power of validation lies in its simplicity. In a world that often rushes to judge, fix, or dismiss, simply saying "I see you, I hear you, and your feelings make sense" can be revolutionary. It's a small act with enormous potential to change lives: including your own.
