Watching someone you care about struggle with anxiety can feel overwhelming. You want to help, but you might not know where to start, or worse, you might worry that you're saying or doing the wrong thing. The good news? Your support can make a real difference. The key is understanding what truly helps and what doesn't.
What Anxiety Really Looks Like
Before diving into how to help, it's important to recognise what you're actually dealing with. Anxiety isn't just "feeling worried sometimes": it's a complex experience that shows up in different ways.
Physical symptoms might include:
- Headaches, muscle tension, or stomach issues
- Racing heart or feeling short of breath
- Trouble sleeping or constant fatigue
- Panic attacks that can feel life-threatening
Mental and emotional signs could be:
- Persistent worry about things that seem manageable to others
- Catastrophic thinking: always imagining the worst-case scenario
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Feeling overwhelmed by everyday tasks
Behavioural changes often include:
- Avoiding certain places, people, or situations
- Seeking constant reassurance
- Procrastination or perfectionism
- Withdrawing from social activities
Remember, anxiety affects everyone differently. Your loved one's experience might not match these examples exactly, and that's completely normal.
Common Misconceptions That Don't Help
Well-meaning friends and family often fall into certain traps when trying to support someone with anxiety. Here are some myths that can actually make things worse:
"Just think positive!" This suggests anxiety is a choice or a character flaw. In reality, anxiety often involves brain chemistry and learned patterns that can't be switched off with willpower alone.
"Everyone gets anxious sometimes." While this might seem validating, it can minimise their experience. Clinical anxiety is different from everyday stress: it's more intense, persistent, and interfering.
"You should face your fears!" Pushing someone into anxiety-provoking situations without proper support can backfire, potentially making their anxiety worse.
"Have a drink to relax." Suggesting alcohol or other substances as coping mechanisms can lead to unhealthy patterns and doesn't address the underlying issues.
The Essential Dos
Be Present and Patient
Your consistent presence matters more than you might think. This doesn't mean hovering or constantly checking in: it means being reliably available when they need you. Let them know you're there without making it feel like pressure.
Patience is crucial because recovery isn't linear. There'll be good days and tough days, and progress might feel slow. That's normal. Anxiety doesn't operate on anyone's timeline, including yours.
Listen Without Immediately Fixing
When someone shares their worries with you, resist the urge to jump straight into problem-solving mode. Sometimes they just need to be heard and validated. Try phrases like:
- "That sounds really difficult"
- "I can see why you're worried about that"
- "Thank you for trusting me with this"
Ask What They Need
Instead of guessing how to help, simply ask: "What would be most helpful right now?" or "How can I best support you with this?" They might want practical help, emotional support, or just someone to sit with them. Following their lead shows respect for their autonomy.
Learn About Anxiety
Take time to understand anxiety as a condition. Read reputable sources, attend support groups for families, or even join them at therapy sessions if they're comfortable with it. The more you understand, the better you can support them.
Encourage Professional Support (Gently)
While your support is valuable, professional help is often essential. You might say something like, "I've noticed you've been struggling with this for a while. Would it help to talk to someone who specialises in anxiety?" Offer to help them find resources or even go with them to appointments if they'd like.
Celebrate Small Wins
Acknowledge their efforts, not just their achievements. If they managed to go to the grocery store despite feeling anxious, that's worth recognising. These small victories build confidence over time.
The Important Don'ts
Don't Minimise Their Experience
Avoid phrases like "it's all in your head," "just calm down," or "you're being dramatic." These statements, while often well-intentioned, can make them feel dismissed and misunderstood.
Don't Take Control
It's tempting to take over tasks or make decisions to "help," but this can actually reinforce their anxiety and reduce their confidence in handling things themselves. Offer support, but let them maintain control where possible.
Don't Force Conversations
If they're not ready to talk about their anxiety, don't push. Let them know you're available when they're ready, but respect their boundaries. Forcing discussions can increase their stress and make them less likely to open up later.
Don't Get Frustrated or Take It Personally
Anxiety can sometimes make people irritable, withdrawn, or seemingly ungrateful for help. Try not to take these reactions personally: they're usually symptoms of their anxiety, not reflections of how they feel about you.
Don't Enable Avoidance Indefinitely
While it's important to be patient, constantly accommodating their avoidance can sometimes reinforce their anxiety in the long run. This balance is tricky, which is why professional guidance is often helpful.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
Instead of: "Just relax!"
Try: "This seems really hard. What would help you feel more comfortable right now?"
Instead of: "Everyone gets anxious."
Try: "I may not fully understand what you're going through, but I'm here for you."
Instead of: "You should just face your fears."
Try: "Would you like support in taking small steps when you feel ready?"
Instead of: "It's not that bad."
Try: "I can see this is really affecting you."
How Psychology NSW Can Help
Supporting someone with anxiety doesn't have to be a journey you navigate alone. At Psychology NSW, we work with both individuals experiencing anxiety and their families to develop effective coping strategies and support systems.
Our psychologists can help your loved one develop practical tools for managing anxiety while also providing guidance for family members on how to offer the most effective support. We understand that anxiety affects entire family systems, not just the person experiencing it directly.
Family sessions can be particularly helpful for:
- Understanding your loved one's specific triggers and symptoms
- Learning communication strategies that reduce stress for everyone
- Developing healthy boundaries that support recovery
- Processing your own feelings about their anxiety
We also offer resources and workshops for family members, because supporting someone with anxiety can be emotionally demanding, and you deserve support too.
Taking Care of Yourself
Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone with anxiety can be emotionally draining, and it's important to maintain your own mental health. Set boundaries when needed, seek support for yourself, and remember that you're not responsible for "fixing" their anxiety: you're there to support them while they do the work with professional help.
It's also okay to feel frustrated, worried, or confused sometimes. These are normal responses to watching someone you care about struggle. Having these feelings doesn't make you a bad person or unsupportive friend or family member.
Moving Forward Together
Supporting someone with anxiety is about creating a safe, understanding environment where they feel valued beyond their struggles. Your patience, presence, and willingness to learn can make an enormous difference in their journey toward better mental health.
Remember that recovery takes time, and there'll likely be setbacks along the way. That doesn't mean your support isn't working: it means you're dealing with a complex condition that requires patience and professional guidance.
If you're supporting someone with anxiety, consider reaching out to Psychology NSW for guidance. We're here to help both individuals with anxiety and their support networks navigate this journey together. Your loved one doesn't have to face anxiety alone, and neither do you.
The fact that you're reading this shows how much you care. That caring, combined with the right knowledge and professional support, can help create the foundation for lasting positive change.
